it’s.too.soon…

to be saying goodbye, but that is what we have done.  Spud stopped growing at six weeks and we didn’t know it until Feb. 11th.  i don’t have words to express my sorrow.  it is all together too soon to have this end.  my heart is broken… my body is sore.  so:

here’s to Levi Aleksander.  

here’s to the baby that i won’t hold.  

here’s to a child in heaven with my true Father.  

and here’s to the tears that i can’t seem to stop crying.  we never held you, but we will always love you.   

thinking.of.homebirth

Bella was supposed to be born at home.  After a long and arduous labor, she was born in the hospital.  It could have been worse than it was, and I was grateful that the hospital was there when I needed it.  But now, I don’t know if I want to do that again… my mom talked to the midwife in charge of Bella’s birth and there are so many pros… now I don’t know what to do… because Amante wants a doctor and a hospital.  I need to think about this more… it is going to be tough for me now that I have heard Yolanda’s side again.  The hospital sounds so cold compared to the opportunity to be home… 

ivillage.rules

those who know me know that i am not a “message board” kind of gal.  i shy away from chat rooms, etc… but ivillage has taken me captive!!  it is great to talk to other pregnant ladies, get advice and sympathy… and not feel quite so isolated.  

the sweet potato is fine.  the morning sickness has finally abated, and that is so nice.  i don’t feel like i have the flu all the time anymore. i have also started peeing all the time… i can drink again (even water tasted nasty when i was sick), so my bladder is always full.  

the only other major news is that my belly is still growing, and sometimes i think i feel flutters down low.  everyone says it is too early for that… but i don’t know… this is way more regular than gas!  maybe by my first dr’s appt coming up on the 21st they will be able to tell me more about how big Spud is… i am really hoping that will go well.  i am really looking forward to it.

ok… i am off to post on the message boards some more.  i guess i really am addicted!! it’s such fun!!   

hidden.treasure

 

Amante (my husband) has a grandmother who is really good about sending cards and letters.  She remembers birthdays, anniversaries, holidays… and recently she sent me this.  It is a good reminder to me that there is treasure being grown in my belly, not just a soon to be pooping, crying, nursing annoyance.  

As I was heading to bed last night, after taking another in our growing log of “belly photos” to chronicle Sweet Potato’s “outward” growth, I couldn’t help but notice the card and the treasure that my daughter Bella is at age ten.  She is smart and funny and beautiful, and anyone who has read Sparrow Song knows how much I love her… but that made me think about this coming Spud.  

What treasure does my belly hold this time around?

What will this baby look like?    

Will this child be tall?  Short?  

Will this baby be a red head like his daddy?  Or a brunette like her mom?  

Will she have brown eyes?  Green?  Blue like her big sister?  

Will he be smart?  Will he be funny?  Musical like Amante?  

Fair skinned?  Or olive skinned like mom?  

As if I had not already jumped around from thought to thought, thinking about this new baby brought me back to Bella… and I started thinking about her as a newborn.  

So, in preparation for meeting our Spud in September I pulled out some pics of “brand new Bella” and thought I would post them… wasn’t she beautiful?  I can’t wait to see how much or how little Sweet Potato looks and acts like her.  Or not!

  

Bella being weighed for the first time 04.15.97 

Bella, home for the first time.

This is the pic that went in the birth announcements.  My fave! 

 

 

 

welcome.to.my.journey

I am having a baby.  That seems so simple a thing to say, only I am finding that it isn’t.  Simple that is.  So far it has been a roller coaster of emotions, a slamming of body changes, and a thing to get used to.  All things I should have been expecting, but didn’t.  Eight weeks into being pregnant and I seem to be over the major morning sickness.  Eight weeks into being pregnant and I  becoming used to the idea that in nine months there will be another life in our home.  Eight weeks into being pregnant and I am looking for another doctor already.  

It has been a busy eight weeks.  Are you ready to join me for the next thirty two?  It’s going to be a hoot, I just know it!